Discovered

Each day when I come into work I set up my computer so that I have my Gmail, Hotmail, school email, and Blogger open and next to each other so that I can check them each incessantly throughout the day.  I get so frustrated when my "dashboard" of blogs doesn't change for a week.  I mean, c'mon!  I want my friends to entertain me!  :) And yet, here I am waaaay overdue for a new post.  Life just takes over so quickly.

Last week I was sick.  Miserably sick with a sinus infection.  On Monday I just couldn't move off of the couch.  I still have lingering effects going on and it makes me think that I never fully appreciate when I am well.  It also made me think that anyone can "do the right thing" when they are feeling 100%, but your character really shows when you have to do things when you are not 100%.  I need to work on that.  But I digress...

Upon scanning my profile last week out of boredom, since there were no new postings to be found, I saw that I actually have a follower!  (Hi Bmart!)  I was shocked and not a little terrified- what do you mean I'm not invisible anymore?!  I also spilled to my husband that I have been blogging- and he was a little shocked himself!  I feel that this discovery of my blogging comes at a poignant and appropriate moment.

To expain, I cantor at my home church a couple of times a month.  At one particular Mass at which I sang, actually the first Sunday of Lent, the celebrant was a priest who sometimes would help out at our church.  He was vaguely familiar to me but I couldn't remember his name, so I introduced myself and shook his hand.   I'll call him Fr. R. 

During Fr. R's homily, he asked the congregation if anyone had a blog.  Maybe one hand went up (it was tough to see from sitting behind the pulpit).  He then proceeded to ask how many people were involved on Facebook, Twitter, and other social networks.  Of course most of the congregation admitted that they spent time each day on at least one of these. He then asked us to consider using this technology for our Lenten purposes.  Why not post what it is that you are doing for Lent or documenting your journey.  He encouraged us not to hide our faith but to proclaim it.  Thus, the seed for this blog was planted.

Tragically, Fr. R suffered a massive heart attack and passed away on a New York City street two weeks ago.  I did not know him well, but his words that day spoke to me and inspired me and for that I will always be grateful to him.  If you are reading this right now, please say a prayer for him, that he is with God today.

In honor of Fr. R, I will not keep my blog a secret any longer- I will not be embarrassed to let at least the people I love know what I've been up to.  Thanks, Fr. R., for this opportunity, and this one is for you.

On the radio...

Usually during my drive to work I flip back and forth between two radio stations.  I love the Z100 Morning Show- I think the DJs are incredibly funny and I usually find myself smiling or even laughing aloud to their banter.  I'm not a huge fan of most of the music they play, however, and who can stand ANY type of radio commercial I don't know, so I find myself flipping to WFAN, a sports station.  While I love the FAN in the afternoon, I am not a "fan" of the morning show.  I'm sorry, I just don't want my sports with a side of sexism and the morning guys are the worst.  In spite of this, sometimes I will listen to avoid hearing a techno re-make of a song that was not-so-great to begin with.

Well, during a commercial break for Z100 yesterday morning, I decided to check in on Boomer and Carton (said morning DJs on WFAN) and I reached my breaking point.  They were talking about lap dances and strip clubs and I just thought, "I'm not going to listen to this.  This is not how I'm going to start my day."  So I purposefully flipped back to FM and turned the dial to 99.1- a Christian station that I knew of, but to which I had never listened.

There was a small group of people discussing this time of Lent and some of the practices that we, as Christians, try to observe.  In particular, they focused on fasting and the real meaning of the sacrifice.  One of the men asked the group about some of the things that people go to throughout the day to help them make it through.  The others mentioned coffee, sweets, snacks, etc.  He challenged them to, instead of relying on things of this nature, to turn to God.  He explained that whatever we eat on this earth, we will still be hungry, but if we are hungry for God and seek Him out, we will be filled.  Fasting is a practice which helps us not use outside sources as a crutch.  It forces us to look within us and see what it is that we really want.

Why is this important?  Well, because on Sunday I had had a classic junk food binge fest- the kind of which I have been apt to have at least monthly for years.  I ate myself sick.  I split two bags of potato chips with my husband (sweet onion and cheddar kettle cooked- yum).  I had four Reese's peanut butter cups.  Then we ordered Chinese food and I nearly finished my entire beef with broccoli/pork fried rice/egg roll combo platter.  Oh, and on the day before I didn't have any Reese's peanut butter cups in the house, so you know what I did?  I ate straight-up peanut butter with chocolate chips.  A lot of it.  Gross, right?

I had eaten way past the point of satiating my hunger.  I just wanted more.  Of course you know that I never really felt satisfied, but did end up feeling incredibly sick, not to mention the guilt that I felt even while I was doing this.  No matter how much junk I had, it was never enough. 

What would happen if I could recognize the fact that I don't really want all that junk?  What if when I had these cravings I had the strength to seek out something that actually would fill me up?  I truly feel that I was meant to hear that radio message on that day.  I found myself smiling, looking up and saying, "You.  You're good.  You are very good" ala Robert DiNiro in "Analyze This." 

It's funny how God works sometimes. 

Watch ye and pray...

It's official.  I am a slug.  My worst nightmare is realized- I am a slug.  The term "slug" is used endearingly in my family to describe someone who is lazy.  I hate being a slug.  I am truly happiest when I am energized and productive, but sometimes the sluggy-ness overwhelmes me and the thoughts of productivity and energy feel so far from me.

Yesterday morning the sluggy-ness reared its ugly head.  It was once again Monday, once again 27 degrees outside and I was tired.  I couldn't get out of bed and go to the gym.  I thought, I'll go after school- and I DESPISE going after school.  Well of course, by the time my heated seat got ahold of me during the ride home, I bypassed the exit for the gym with the intention of doing a DVD at home.  I don't have to tell you that an episode of Law and Order SVU (why, oh why do I keep watching that show?), a conversation with my mom, two with my sister, and a few episodes of How I Met Your Mother later, the most exercise I had accomplished was walking back and forth to the fridge four times.

Of course, my Lenten journey has nothing to do with physical exercise, and in fact before Trash TV Marathon I did my Bible reading for the day (I am completely enjoying it- but more on that later.)  It is just the overall desire to give up living with passion- not because I don't enjoy living that way- I do- but because I am tired.  I feel like Jesus' disciples who couldn't stay awake while He went to the mountain to pray.


Then He came, and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, Simon, are you sleeping?  Could you not watch one hour?  Watch ye and pray, lest you enter into temptation.  The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

I don't know if my spirit is willing.  I hope it is.  But I know that my flesh is weak.  Lent is only two weeks old and the old instant gratification bug is making me itch.  Six weeks should be nothing!  God is not asking that much of me in this sense and yet I am so conditioned to think that I should have earned something by now.

I have been on enough health/fitness programs to know that if you regard the program as a means to an end instead of a lifestyle change that you are sure to fail.  I need to start regarding this with the same philosophy.  And to that end I do not need to fall deeper into the pit of slug-dom by binge eating and glueing myself to the couch.  When Christ is acting as your personal alarm clock, it's time to wake up.

My Worth To God

In my last post, I mentioned that each morning I have been reading a daily devotional , My Utmost for His Highest,  Most days it inspires me, some days it confuses me, and every once in awhile it really touches me.  The statement I read on March 17 cut to the core of what I am struggling with and I keep being drawn back to read it:

My worth to God publicly is measured by what I really am in my private life.

March 18 followed up with:

Is God having His way with me, and are people beginning to see God in my life more and more?

I'm feeling such conflict in my heart.  It is so easy to sit here by myself and blog to no one.  It is easy to read the Bible in my den alone.  It is easy to read the devotional in the morning and at night with no one to see me.  I know that God sees, but if I don't take what I've learned and use it during every moment of my life, what does it matter?  I don't know how to truly follow Jesus they way He wants me to.

I feel like I have two default settings when it comes to being religious publicly.  I either clam up and try to be "PC" so as not to make others feel uncomfortable, or I get on my soap box and make grand statements that challenge others to defy me and with this comes a sense of self-pride.  In and of itself this is hypocritical.  I am scared to debate the merits of religion with anyone because I don't feel that I know enough to adequately defend my position.  I rely so heavily on faith and that doesn't hold up well with people who rely solely on logic.  The thing is though, I know that my faith can be explained logically- I just need to educate myself.

I hate being a hypocrite.  I hate doing these things that feel right in my spare time (like reading and blogging) and then acting in a way that contradicts everything I have read or spoken about.  When I was young, I belonged to the church's children's choir.  We used to sing a song that used the refrain, "And they'll know we are Christians by our love."  No one would know that I am a Christian, but for wearing a cross around my neck at times.  I speak about people behind their backs, I am impatient and unkind to people in my life, I am self-centered, and I don't represent God favorably.  A case could even be made that my hypocrisy could make others turn further away from the right path.

I have got to start truly following Jesus.  I have to start becoming Christian in my actions.  I have to get to a place where people will notice God in my life more and more- not because I condescendingly make judgements upon others but because I am radiating a joy that is inexplicable by any other means.  And I have to realized that if I am blessed with the ability to do this, it is not of my own doing. 

Are We There Yet?

This past Sunday at Mass I found myself in disbelief that it was only the Second Sunday of Lent.  Ha!  I don't know what I expected, but it just goes to show how weak I am.  Okay, it's been 12 days... I think I've had enough.  It just seems as though it has been so much longer...today I found myself counting the weeks until spring break- again.  To make matters worse, the weather people are calling for snow tomorrow.  NOOO!   I think that if I see a snowflake tomorrow morning that pulling myself out of bed will be the most challenging endeavor I've undertaken in a long time.  On an even more depressing note, at the gym this morning a woman said to me, "Brooke, you've put on some weight!  It looks good on you!"  I know that she was well-meaning, but I showered, dressed and drove to work with the spirit and energy of a deflated balloon.

Funny enough, today's passage from my daily devotional book, "My Utmost for His Highest" contained the following sentence:  "It is the simple, dreary day, with its commonplace duties and people, that smothers the burning heart-unless we have learned the secret of abiding in Jesus."  Pretty perfect, huh?  It's a great lesson that may take a lifetime to learn.

Last week I read the book of Mark and I cannot believe just how much I enjoyed it.  I actually looked forward to sitting down and reading the Bible.  I guess that having a plan is not such a bad idea!  There was one verse in particular that really hit me at the core.  Mark 8:36-38 says:

For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?  Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?  For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words in this adulterous and sinful generation, of him the Son of Man will also be ashamed when He comes in the glory of His Father with the holy angels.

What a terrible thought, to have Jesus be ashamed of me.  I can't think of anything worse.  I truly hate to have anyone think badly of me- it is an insecurity that has plagued me for as long as I can remember- and this is my God.  How many times have I done things that shamed Him in order to impress or to not offend others, solely because I felt that those others were more present than Him?  I don't know why I think I can "get one over" on God- clearly He is all-seeing and all-knowing.   I need to start behaving as though He were present in my life, in all people, at all times.  Because the simple truth of the matter is that He is.  This verse is further call to get my priorities in order.

A Dose of My Own Medicine

I have always been wary of Christian music.  There is just something about those infomercials showcasing auditoriums filled with people with eyes closed and arms raised swaying to what I deemed to be overly simple melodies that made me switch the channel as quickly as my thumb would allow each time I was channel surfing.

Conversely, I often lecture my students on keeping an open mind about music.  Over my nine years of teaching, I have said more times than I can count that it is wrong to discount or subscribe to exclusively an entire genre of music.  I have always told my students, "If you think you don't like country music, you probably haven't found the right country artist or band yet."

Well, the teacher became the student when she was blind-sided by a Christian rock concert. 

In December, my husband informed me that he had gotten tickets to a Christmas concert at a church in his work territory.  We will occasionally attend events in the town which he works so that he can be seen as a member of the community who cares (which he does).  I thought, "Oooh!  A Christmas concert at the church... carols, candlelight, maybe we can sing along... yay!"  I dressed in a conservative, black sweater dress and heels and we headed off. 

As you have probably guessed by now, I was misinformed about this concert.  It was not the first time nor will it be the last that my wonderful husband didn't quite convey the mood or theme of an event.  (Like the time he told me to wear a cocktail dress to an event which actually turned out to be a cover for taking me out for a romantic night at our favorite restaurant... SUCH a good surprise, NOT the right outfit.  Or the time I ended up wearing a sequin-trimmed mini-dress and gold high heels to a casual New England seafood restaurant- a story for another time or another blog.)  It turns out that we were in attendance for a rock concert in the gymnasium of the church by a group called Barlow Girl and their opening act, Reilly, a violin-rock Christian group.

I felt quite over-dressed being surrounded by jeans, t-shirts, and hoodies and not a little skeptical of what we were in for... why were we surrounded by such cool looking people?  Where were the khakis and tucked-in button downs and long-sleeved floral dresses?  Why were actually in the older half of the audience?

My questions were answered when Reilly took the stage and the room and my chest were filled with driving music- melodies that I would voluntarily listen to, eerily similar to bands I already enjoy.  The difference was a passion amongst the musicians that I suspect cannot be achieved unless performing TO praise, as opposed to performing FOR praise.  My husband and I stood there in disbelief and with tears in our eyes.  The music and the passion were so powerful.  The band members were our age, extremely talented, and looked like people you'd want to hang out with.  Their unapologetic love for Jesus shone through their work.  We were compelled to buy two CDs and a t-shirt immediately following their set.

Then came Barlow Girl.  These three sisters are just about the cutest, trendiest, most sarcastic, and fun girls you can imagine.  One of them plays drums for goodness sake!  As I took in their witty banter between fabulous songs, I found myself wanting to be one of them.  Here were these ladies in their late 20's, dressed so cutely with cool haircuts and BEAUTIFUL voices who were doing what they loved- playing music and praising God.

As a Catholic, I had not really ever had the opportunity to be preached to by a female, and the experience was so moving and relate-able to me.  At the end of their performance they asked the audience to close their eyes in prayer and the lights were turned down.  When we opened our eyes the sisters were gone from the stage.  How selfless to play music all night but to not want to be applauded.  It was literally and figuratively eye-opening.

So, I am a convert.  I haven't done much more exploring of new bands, but I listen to my Reilly albums in the car and you know what?  It makes me feel a lot better than I do when I hear some nonsensical song about sex and seduction on the radio.  I am inspired by these artists.  It takes so much more courage to do what they do than to try to shock the audience and world with distasteful outfits or lyrics.  I yearn to be like them- to not let my inexplicable need to fit in override what I truly love.  When will I be free of caring what anyone else thinks but Him?

What are you DOing?

For most of my adult life I have heard priests suggest that rather than give something up for Lent, we should try to do something to strengthen our faith or help others or, ideally, both.  I can see the benefit of both courses of action.  As I mentioned earlier, I have given things up before that I knew I'd be better off without and I used Lent as an opportunity to purge myself of some bad habits.  I also think that it's not such a bad idea to deprive yourself of something every once in awhile.  In this day and age we are so accustomed to getting what we want, when we want it, that even something as seemingly trivial as giving up meat one day a week is good for the soul.  On any given week I usually go two days without meat just out of convenience, but knowing that I can't order that burger on Friday makes me crave it all the more.  It is good to delay gratification sometimes.

So this year I am choosing the route of trying to "do" something.  I am going to dedicate 20 minutes a day to listening to God.  So often when I pray, I am only talking.  I ask for things like protection for my family and friends, blessings for those I know could use them, and patience in my day-to-day life and I thank God for all He has given me.  The conversation has been pretty one-sided.  I wouldn't treat one of my girlfriends that way, and this is GOD!  He probably has some pretty excellent things to tell me if I'd let Him get a word in every once in awhile.

During this 20 minutes of reflection each day I may just mediate, pray, or I may read the Bible.  My goal is to finish Mark, John, Acts and Romans during the next 6 weeks.  Last night I started Mark and I already feel my spirit strengthened.  This is something that I should have done a long time ago, but each time I tried to read the Bible I would start in Genesis (let's start at the very beginning... a very good place to start...) and completely get lost during the first litany of names.  Now, thanks to the amazing Internet, I have a plan that will hopefully help me to not give up in frustration.

So here's to a little "doing" and a little deprivation.  I'm sure they'll both do ME a little good.

A Note About the Title

The title of this blog, ReLentlessly Reinforcing My Faith may cause the reader to assume a couple of things.  One, that I must think I'm pretty clever, capitalizing the "L" in ReLentlessly to show the word "Lent," and also that I am working tirelessly to be a good Catholic at all times.  The former assumption may be correct, to a degree.  :)  The latter would be completely untrue. 

I do not reinforce my own faith- only God does that- and He does it, as noted, relentlessly.  In my daily life I constantly pat myself on the back for trivial and significant accomplishments alike.  (See above pride in capitalization.)  The lesson here is that I don't really deserve a pat on the back for anything, least of all taking charge of my faith.  Each time I pray, each Mass I attend, each time I go to Confession, it is only because He called me to do it.  Instead of taking pride in the fact that I heard his call, I should be humbled that He deigned to call me at all.

Getting rid of ego is the most challenging part of returning to my faith.  I suppose it is human nature to be self-absorbed, and my "self" is a little more absorbent than most.  Just ask my family and they will gleefully regale you with stories of how as a child my favorite words were, "Look at me!  Look at me!"  As an adult I have had a hard time shaking that perception , especially considering that it is, to an extent, still part of my nature.  I know that God will change our hearts if we ask him to.  I have asked and will continue to ask, because again, we do nothing on our own.

The Journey Begins

With trepidation in my heart, I am staring at the composition page of a blog.  It took me days, even weeks to get here.  I have gotten as far as the "Name Your Blog" page several times, wondering if I was being pulled there by my own narcissistic tendencies or if I was truly being called to chronicle my spiritual experience of Lent.  I pray that it is the latter.  I take some comfort in the fact that the entire thing can be deleted with a few clicks and that maybe no one at all will see this.

I am also wryly wondering how many first posts are titled "The Journey Begins."  It seems only fitting though. Lent is a journey- one I have technically been on 29 times, though I am hoping that this year will yield a more significant destination than diving into an Easter basket after six weeks of abstaining from chocolate, as it did when I was in high school.  Not that all of my Lents have been quite so shallow.  Shallow, but not chocolate shallow.  Two years ago I gave up cursing and the change has stuck permanently.  A year ago I gave up taking God's name in vain, which has also become part of my status quo.  While I find these changes to be positive, I know that they have little to do with what God wants me to do during Lent.  It is my prayer that He will lead me through this season and show me how to use it.

Now, let me state the simple and obvious fact that Lent comes to us at a miserable time of year.  Usually in February or March, it is still frigid and damp, overcast and generally dark.  The clocks have not been turned forward yet, and the overwhelming desire to be on the couch under my heated blanket seems to be the most compelling force in my life right now.  I have a closet full of new spring clothes, tags still on, taunting me to wear them.  The Superbowl is long over, and Opening Day for baseball season seems years away.  (I never have been able to get into March Madness.)  The school days stretch out before me with the hope of a snow day quickly dwindling and Spring Break but a pinprick of light far in the distance.  It is truly no fun at all.  Wait, I take that back.  The one thing you can ALWAYS look forward to during Lent is hearing, "Give me back that fillet 'o fish!  Give me that fish!"  blaring from the TV and radio... what a great commercial... I am not being facetious!

Anyway, the point is that this time of year can really be equated to drudgery.  What I am coming to believe, however, is that drudgery can be a really good thing.  Not enjoyable, but good.  What better time of year to really work- to put your head down and get down to business.  There is nothing to distract me (save for said fish commercial) and there is a very good possibility that once these 6 weeks are over, the world will be a little brighter, if I've followed His will, even slightly.