My Worth To God

In my last post, I mentioned that each morning I have been reading a daily devotional , My Utmost for His Highest,  Most days it inspires me, some days it confuses me, and every once in awhile it really touches me.  The statement I read on March 17 cut to the core of what I am struggling with and I keep being drawn back to read it:

My worth to God publicly is measured by what I really am in my private life.

March 18 followed up with:

Is God having His way with me, and are people beginning to see God in my life more and more?

I'm feeling such conflict in my heart.  It is so easy to sit here by myself and blog to no one.  It is easy to read the Bible in my den alone.  It is easy to read the devotional in the morning and at night with no one to see me.  I know that God sees, but if I don't take what I've learned and use it during every moment of my life, what does it matter?  I don't know how to truly follow Jesus they way He wants me to.

I feel like I have two default settings when it comes to being religious publicly.  I either clam up and try to be "PC" so as not to make others feel uncomfortable, or I get on my soap box and make grand statements that challenge others to defy me and with this comes a sense of self-pride.  In and of itself this is hypocritical.  I am scared to debate the merits of religion with anyone because I don't feel that I know enough to adequately defend my position.  I rely so heavily on faith and that doesn't hold up well with people who rely solely on logic.  The thing is though, I know that my faith can be explained logically- I just need to educate myself.

I hate being a hypocrite.  I hate doing these things that feel right in my spare time (like reading and blogging) and then acting in a way that contradicts everything I have read or spoken about.  When I was young, I belonged to the church's children's choir.  We used to sing a song that used the refrain, "And they'll know we are Christians by our love."  No one would know that I am a Christian, but for wearing a cross around my neck at times.  I speak about people behind their backs, I am impatient and unkind to people in my life, I am self-centered, and I don't represent God favorably.  A case could even be made that my hypocrisy could make others turn further away from the right path.

I have got to start truly following Jesus.  I have to start becoming Christian in my actions.  I have to get to a place where people will notice God in my life more and more- not because I condescendingly make judgements upon others but because I am radiating a joy that is inexplicable by any other means.  And I have to realized that if I am blessed with the ability to do this, it is not of my own doing.